I want to be happy

I've not blogged for so long. Perhaps I don't have the organizational skills. Perhaps autism got the worst of me. Perhaps it hurts too much. No matter, how bout I take one step at a time.

The thing is, I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? The question may not be as simple as it sounds. Yes perhaps everyone is searching, doing everything they usually do, all in the name of that little feeling or tickle in their brain that says, "this feels good". If everyone is truly seeking happiness then why do so many people not seem happy? That was including me recently. Why did I try so hard in recent weeks to have pleasant conversations with my daughter who lives on the other side of the country? Because I want happiness for me and my family. Now she is upset with me. She said a lot that she is tired of, but I don't see what I did specifically to upset her. I don't feel happy about that.

Seeing my daughter happy was the most important thing to me, I thought. What went wrong? I knew I made unhealthy decisions starting more than 20 years ago. I did not see the negative affects until 2007. Some things were no longer in my control, like losing my children. I had believed I was a "great father". People often said I was, or would be even before I married. I always loved to see children laugh and admired that they enjoy the simplest things. I used to do everything I could to get them to laugh, like acting silly. I apologize for getting off-subject. I've deleted about 5 sentences now trying to stick to my point. I could not be with my daughter through her teenage years. They have been probably the hardest years of her life! When I could finally talk with her, over 4 years later, I realized she needed different experiences than she was getting. I helped her move from her step mom and brothers to live with her biological mother over 2,000 miles away.

For a couple years I have been talking only by writing (mail/Internet), and sometimes by phone. I wanted so much to still be an important part of her life. I socializing is not easy for me. HFA (previously my diagnosis was Asperger's Disorder) means when I approach someone and try to start a conversation they will probably describe me as awkward or annoying. That is when I am trying to be nice. If I try to be aggressive they probably say I'm being funny. So when I talked to my daughter I thought I was appropriate. I ask how things are going to get ready for college. I send things I find amusing or thought would strike up an interesting conversation. I tell her I love her. Sometimes, I gradually wondered if her reactions were negative. She never told me she didn't appreciate something I said, but sometimes it was at least a week before she responded but that seemed to only be on certain subjects. I could send another topic and she would answer it in seconds but still not the other. Sometimes when she did, I was puzzled why she mentioned nothing about the subject that I wanted to know how she felt about. One thing I heard loud and clear was her position on mental illness. She said something like that mental illness is all our imagination and only used as an excuse. I felt uneasy about that because it implies that if I tried hard enough then I would be considered just one of the guys at work, school, or public places. Like I'm purposely making myself and others uncomfortable just because when I say what comes natural to me, it is extremely unnatural to them. It is all my fault. I don't remember how I responded except trying to explain that the truth is not that simple. Perhaps this was one of the things she is sick of? There were other conversations where we disagree--meaning or origin of a word, facts about religion, etc. Were these the only things that she is sick of or is there more I completely missed or forgot? Don't I need to know what I did to bother her so much that she won't talk? I'v asked politely to clarify but I receive no answer. I don't see how I can correct whatever is wrong without understanding.

Recently I talked to her mother (my first wife, whom I will just call mother). She was especially irate after I said I would stop sending money. It was to help pay for a car that would be given to my daughter after I helped make payments, but indirectly I learned that mother decided to keep it and find her a cheaper one. I wondered why all this trouble when my father never bought me a car. I used his until I could buy it from him. I think the biggest reason in my mind however was not that. I thought I love from my daughter because I was sending money. I tried to sever all connection including that because I perceived she wanted nothing to do with me. I felt devastated. Mother scolded me for not doing everything I could to fix the relationship with my daughter, and said I should fix it by talking to her. I said it sounds to me like she's not worried about that so much as the money. Then she was really mad. On the phone she yelled at me for being so negative and depressing. I asked what part of the conversations, because I honestly don't know why she thinks that. I had saved conversations so I gave examples of our discussions and asked which ones. Most were about preparing for college, where I try to encourage. She said my daughter didn't share what we talked about so she didn't know. So even though mother also believes I am terrible, harmful and hopeless, she doesn't have any reason(?) She then yelled at me again for the reason she left me in the first place, because I always analyze things, to end our conversation. Which does she want me to do--try to act like 'normal' people, or stop analyzing? That is the only way I have come as far as I have to relate with humans.

Do I want to be happy? Of course I do, but what do I need to do? I told myself that as long as my daughter is happy then I can be happy. I told myself during darker times that the reason preserve my life is for my daughter to have a chance to be happy. I lost the point (if I had it before). Was it my responsibility to make my daughter happy? If my daughter is unhappy for any reason then... can I be happy? I see the connection to many parents who struggle because they are trying to control or micro-manage their child's life, whether the child is young or adult.

I relied on the status of my daughter to determine whether I was happy. When I believed I was mis-understood by anyone, I was not happy. In all the crisis, I was leaving myself powerless.

Now I do not know whether my daughter is Ok. I have not even got a response from her mother when I asked about a Christmas present idea. None of that matters right now. The point is that now I can be happy. I am beginning to get myself back. To be happy because I choose what to do next in my life. For the first in a long time, I feel free. It isn't about what someone else chooses. It isn't about what happens to me. It is about choosing something and not hating myself afterwards for choosing it.

Now I have advice for others. I am not saying "you should" or other thoughts that I call cognitive error, but just advice I learned to appreciate by experience. All of us being relatively young compared to eternity, it is easy to believe it best to fight against advice. It really does matter whom we follow. I have never heard of someone who isn't following somebody or something. Many have told me, "I'm not a follower but doing my own thing", but then they all do the same thing and I even find examples in book old as the beginning. It seems easy for me to say, "I'm happy despite what you say because I choose for myself". Then I eat the cake of my choosing. Suppose it makes me sick, and the advice I rejected was to not eat that because it would make me sick? I will probably recover, but some proverbial cakes cause permanent damage. It matters whom we follow. If we follow someone who was deceiving then a warning would be nice. If we rely on a parent who means well but leaves us suffering then apparently we need something more reliable. What or who would save us from that suffering?

My advice is this:
Be honest to yourself. As much as your words may be screened to keep whatever you are not proud of from the public, do not hide it from yourself. Learn to make a fearless inventory of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.