Only So Much

I haven't been able to convince people to hire me, and can only suppose the reasons.

I've watched the TV shows. Every single time that the important character needs to remember something or think of a solution, they simply do. Magically, they remember a complicated extremely long code or combination or instructions that I could have never remembered, and they never had to write anything down at all. They even went through some extreme experience in between and still remembered without any trouble at all. I would have no clue all the stuff the person just told me, not even when they were still finishing saying it.
Really? Is every normal human being that much more super incredible than me?

There is only so much I can do. I watch others and if they need a complex task done they don't have to think through and plan it and start failing individual attempts each day and try again the next day like I do. They 'simply' cause a sudden explosion (at least that was my perspective standing there with them) lots of painfully loud commotion, and suddenly all of the task is complete in a second or two. I know not always like that but several times exactly like that. I do not even have any means to comprehend what just happened, nor was it recorded anywhere to watch in slow-motion. Often it is when the person even thinks they are 'helping' me, either by doing it for me or showing me how.
Really? They really thought that now I can do the same because they just "showed me how"?? Only thing they demonstrated is how they would do it (which I missed), and their ignorance.

There is only so much I can do, and the older I grow the less it seems I can do compared to any other human being (except of course the ones with lower-functioning autism, perhaps the ones who do not speak). It seems I need to change my approach. Before I had tried to accept what people tell me about myself. "You just need confidence", as if having confidence would magically make me capable of doing all the impossible things they expect me to do [because they can]. "You just need to do one thing at a time", as if they thought I had somehow magically done two things at the same time, or they thought that was how other people accomplish everything required within the required time limits. No, every moment I have to choose not just the one thing I will do now, but choose the million other things that will not ever be done because it will be too late. "Nothing is impossible", as if they don't understand the situation and what we are talking about. I simply am what I am in this body, I cannot choose to not have autism at this time, I cannot rewrite my own neurology to have what they have, and they cannot comprehend what is different inside of me, just by my attempts to use words that they would understand. I cannot solve the problem by their advice, when they do not have any experience in the situation. They can only see what I did, not what I thought nor why I did it, which is not the same reason at all that they would have done the same thing.

Impossible. The word does not mean, I suppose, what people think it means. Those who say, "getting this done on time is impossible", don't know what the word means because of course it is possible. Just needs to be done by somebody or a machine that is capable, and get it done. Not impossible. Those who say, "nothing is impossible", especially do not know the meaning. If a person cannot fly right now then it is impossible for that person to fly right now. Perhaps it is limited by interpretation from language to reality but effectively impossible for one to do what one cannot. Be lifted up by something like a plane in the air, yes. Be modified with flight capability, yes. Perhaps impossible in our limited and temporal world isn't so meaningful, but there is an existence I'll call eternity where impossible is what it is.

Truth is eternal and in truth only so much is possible. That is what is called truth and the rest although it may seem true in time, will never last. We got people lecturing, claiming that 'truth' or 'reality' does not really exist and is only something in our own head so that it can be true for one person but not true for another person. Sounds like a fun concept for a while, but those people die and what they claimed goes away. Truth is that which is. Not only now but also was even before the beginning of time, and will remain beyond the end of time, for eternity. If you can look from this perspective it answers that funny question, "If God can do anything, then can he create a rock so big that he cannot lift it?", Yeah something to laugh about because of the limited concept of gravity but really--could God create something that could possibly defeat him so that he would no longer be God? Or otherwise choose to do something that would cause him to cease to be God?

So could God cease to be god? Answer is, God is a free agent (as are we) and could chose not to be God. But he being an eternal being where in contrast we are in a temporary state, is consistently present in every bit of time that exists. He is the beginning and the end, which could be perceived that by creating time for us he is not in himself limited by time. What makes him God is not only his past but all of his past, present, and future for eternity. If he were to choose something (for example in book of Alma 42:13  https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/42.13?lang=eng#12 ) which would mean ceasing to be God, then he never was God at all (but He is). Impossible would involve saying that one who is God, might one day cease to be God, for example.

I have often said that it is impossible, something that happened in my experience such as losing something that I had kept with me the whole time, or that it is impossible that I change myself now to not be autistic, but I admit I don't know what is really possible in the eternal perspective. It was not really impossible that I lost my $40 gloves with real silver that makes them work on touch screens. Certainly there is nothing I can do about it, but maybe I put them in a coat pocket with something else then when I pulled it out they fell on the ground outside and somebody said, "hey cheap gloves for my kid" and let them be destroyed and discarded. Reason I say something is impossible is because I cannot do anything about it in this situation.

So I cannot just do any of the amazing advice anyone has ever given me because they are only responding to what they perceive, not what would help me. What they gave me to do is impossible because they only gave abstract ideas lacking information. I was upset because autism, there is no abstract computing at all. Advice like "plan your time" or "ask questions" is completely meaningless and useless, although they were obvious things we should be doing as a result of our work. I am deciding each moment what I spend my time on, but here are 2 problems. (1) If I refuse to watch any TV or whatever and stay at a computer and not even eat until I finish an abstract task, I gain nothing. I get sick but I do not EVER finish the abstract job until I know what I need to do and then do all of the steps in the correct order. If I knew what that was, I would have already done it for crying out loud!  (2) Which is "wasting time" and which is not? I start working on something. My cognition says it will be important, many investments I see and start doing. Then the conclusion is apparently that I was wasting time. So what exactly should I be doing then? Nobody will say, except abstract things and then when I try to ask further questions that would need answered, they often refuse to even talk anymore but at least insisting that they already answered (the abstract statements).

"It is important to ask plenty of questions," they say. "You can never ask too many questions, and there is no such thing as a stupid question".  What nonsense!
Why then have they refused to listen anymore and especially will not answer my questions. They assume that I should already know. Those are two well-known cognitive errors in human nature. Assumption is nothing more than cognitive error in every case, yet people assume it is necessary and that something is wrong with a person who does not rely on it. "Should" is cognitive error except when you attach it to order. "In order to obtain eternal salvation from God, you should obey God". There, no longer in error. If one said "You are bad because you should be going to my church," Then they are using cognitive error and nobody has ever benefited because of cognitive error. Mind you, some get lucky despite cognitive error but not because of it. For example I might jump to conclusions thinking my daughter is in danger of being raped. Chasing away and threatening the boy would be in cognitive error, yet I might find out later that he raped the next girl who let him get close. Lucky to protect her. Was I right about assuming his nature? I don't think so (depending on what I had actually seen and heard about the situation).

I have valuable cognition skills when given time and space. I have a firm understanding about reality of what is true or not despite what many try to argue. I even have strong computer skills, being able to design powerful applications one bit at a time.
With all of my ability, why then does nobody hire me? It is all about lack of understanding, but who is misunderstanding who about what, what could be done about it, and who shall be responsible for what...

So many outcries these days demanding that others take responsibility. In the end, should we not all take responsibility for ourselves and stop blaming externally? I have the power to decide for myself what I work on, and there is much that I could accomplish as far as work. It has nothing however to do with money. I don't demand that someone should be responsible to pay me for it. I don't cry for equal rights just because employers think they prefer an idiot they will later fire who is a smooth-talker instead of me because I was 100% honest about everything. Then after they fire him they will hire another of the same idiot hoping this is the one, but ignore the fact I still need to live. Perhaps people will never learn because when they said "learn by repetition", they meant repeat doing it correctly, not repeat making the worst choice. Well I digress, as always, although my digression rant can usually be useful to somebody as well. If only they can understand.

I was denied foodstamps recently because I do not see how to get all the nonexistant details so that I can show that I do not have the house that is still in my name becuse I cannot find out how to quitclaim it to my divorcing wife. I need to learn how to do a thing that we also would need to learn how to do if I were to complete the divorce papers. We've been separated more than 6 years and we are absolutely not getting back together. it is absolutely not my house. I absolutely cannot get any equity out of it. But that is the reason I'm denied foodstamps. Actually they also might be concerned I can only show all $600 dollars or whatever clients paid on my wannabe self employment this year but I cercainly cannot say how much business expenses were and asked if I had any. Of course I do! I just have no clue how to say what they were. Books were lost before in failed computer and I didn't keep them right and random papers with important information were lost. I have no clue.

Tomorrow I had appointment for therapy help because my mental functioning is extremely non-functional. Tonight just before closing time the clinic called to tell me that DWS did not deny only foodstamps which I could live with but denied my entire Medicaid! Now I cannot even go tomorrow and get help to comprehend why they denied me because that is what my appointment was for with a social worker right after the therapist. This is absolutely impossible for me to understand how I am supposed to stay alive!

Too bad just today I was about to refil my antidepressant on medicaid. Honestly if I had not been given this medication a few weeks ago I would have KILLED MYSELF this evening when they told me this!!!
I am only writing this right now, still breathing, because I understand that I have a few more days to live and maybe somebody will step in and save my life before I do it.

How thankful was I

It is about time I remember to be thankful.

I am thankful that my mother and father love me. I didn't know what to appreciate back then, starting my own family. I was convinced my parents criticized me too much. I saw them as trying to control how I raised my children or made life choices. I thought that was endless.

Later things reversed. My parents needed my help (more than wanting me to work for them so I could earn money) and my perspective reversed. I remember a deep conversation with my mother when for the first time she told me her perspective of things, adult to adult, and I finally understood. She loved me. It didn't matter, all those things she said I should do different. It didn't matter that she didn't understand what my life was really like. None of the arguments we had before mattered anymore. I remember talking to my dad, trying to convince him that certain things would not be good financial decisions like a reverse-mortgage on his house. We had many disagreements where his logic didn't make sense to me. He didn't respond well, sounding like I did as a teenager. I began to realize comprehension of his environment was diminishing. Soon he would have to go, but already it was not me relying on him but him relying on me. He needed me more every day because he couldn't drive safely and his health was failing in many ways. When I found my love for him, I found the past, how he loved me when I didn't see as well as he did. Back then he didn't have to stick with me. He didn't have to keep trying to reason with me. I started to realize that even if I was right saying my parent's view of the world was over-simplified, they still loved me without condition.

We loved each other, and we were there for each other. Finally.

I am thankful that I could finally and really spend time with my parents, before they moved on. Now they have another mission. And I have another mission. My mission is for my children.

think about being happy

been thinking,
If I have the choice to be happy every day, not by making enemies, and nobody could stop me... would I take it?

Sometimes I've been off worrying about what was wrong or will be wrong around me, outside this face, as if I love to be unhappy. I forget that people used to laugh and tell me they never saw anyone smile so much. What am I choosing? Instead of wishing to change the past and future, what about now

...That's one reason I finally created a facebook. Being hard on myself I wasn't really giving myself credit as able to do anything, or connect with people I knew. Isolating isn't fun nor useful, for the most part.

Happiness, the link to others

Communication is important for us all; We rely on it to work together, and be happy together. Sometimes I write way too much because I anticipate the recipient getting the wrong idea or needing more explanation. I try to answer all the questions which were never asked, and I begin to feel negative. In the end I've left people snowed--not even sure if I had any one point.

Rule:
More words is not more knowledge.

I want to be happy

I've not blogged for so long. Perhaps I don't have the organizational skills. Perhaps autism got the worst of me. Perhaps it hurts too much. No matter, how bout I take one step at a time.

The thing is, I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? The question may not be as simple as it sounds. Yes perhaps everyone is searching, doing everything they usually do, all in the name of that little feeling or tickle in their brain that says, "this feels good". If everyone is truly seeking happiness then why do so many people not seem happy? That was including me recently. Why did I try so hard in recent weeks to have pleasant conversations with my daughter who lives on the other side of the country? Because I want happiness for me and my family. Now she is upset with me. She said a lot that she is tired of, but I don't see what I did specifically to upset her. I don't feel happy about that.

Seeing my daughter happy was the most important thing to me, I thought. What went wrong? I knew I made unhealthy decisions starting more than 20 years ago. I did not see the negative affects until 2007. Some things were no longer in my control, like losing my children. I had believed I was a "great father". People often said I was, or would be even before I married. I always loved to see children laugh and admired that they enjoy the simplest things. I used to do everything I could to get them to laugh, like acting silly. I apologize for getting off-subject. I've deleted about 5 sentences now trying to stick to my point. I could not be with my daughter through her teenage years. They have been probably the hardest years of her life! When I could finally talk with her, over 4 years later, I realized she needed different experiences than she was getting. I helped her move from her step mom and brothers to live with her biological mother over 2,000 miles away.

For a couple years I have been talking only by writing (mail/Internet), and sometimes by phone. I wanted so much to still be an important part of her life. I socializing is not easy for me. HFA (previously my diagnosis was Asperger's Disorder) means when I approach someone and try to start a conversation they will probably describe me as awkward or annoying. That is when I am trying to be nice. If I try to be aggressive they probably say I'm being funny. So when I talked to my daughter I thought I was appropriate. I ask how things are going to get ready for college. I send things I find amusing or thought would strike up an interesting conversation. I tell her I love her. Sometimes, I gradually wondered if her reactions were negative. She never told me she didn't appreciate something I said, but sometimes it was at least a week before she responded but that seemed to only be on certain subjects. I could send another topic and she would answer it in seconds but still not the other. Sometimes when she did, I was puzzled why she mentioned nothing about the subject that I wanted to know how she felt about. One thing I heard loud and clear was her position on mental illness. She said something like that mental illness is all our imagination and only used as an excuse. I felt uneasy about that because it implies that if I tried hard enough then I would be considered just one of the guys at work, school, or public places. Like I'm purposely making myself and others uncomfortable just because when I say what comes natural to me, it is extremely unnatural to them. It is all my fault. I don't remember how I responded except trying to explain that the truth is not that simple. Perhaps this was one of the things she is sick of? There were other conversations where we disagree--meaning or origin of a word, facts about religion, etc. Were these the only things that she is sick of or is there more I completely missed or forgot? Don't I need to know what I did to bother her so much that she won't talk? I'v asked politely to clarify but I receive no answer. I don't see how I can correct whatever is wrong without understanding.

Recently I talked to her mother (my first wife, whom I will just call mother). She was especially irate after I said I would stop sending money. It was to help pay for a car that would be given to my daughter after I helped make payments, but indirectly I learned that mother decided to keep it and find her a cheaper one. I wondered why all this trouble when my father never bought me a car. I used his until I could buy it from him. I think the biggest reason in my mind however was not that. I thought I love from my daughter because I was sending money. I tried to sever all connection including that because I perceived she wanted nothing to do with me. I felt devastated. Mother scolded me for not doing everything I could to fix the relationship with my daughter, and said I should fix it by talking to her. I said it sounds to me like she's not worried about that so much as the money. Then she was really mad. On the phone she yelled at me for being so negative and depressing. I asked what part of the conversations, because I honestly don't know why she thinks that. I had saved conversations so I gave examples of our discussions and asked which ones. Most were about preparing for college, where I try to encourage. She said my daughter didn't share what we talked about so she didn't know. So even though mother also believes I am terrible, harmful and hopeless, she doesn't have any reason(?) She then yelled at me again for the reason she left me in the first place, because I always analyze things, to end our conversation. Which does she want me to do--try to act like 'normal' people, or stop analyzing? That is the only way I have come as far as I have to relate with humans.

Do I want to be happy? Of course I do, but what do I need to do? I told myself that as long as my daughter is happy then I can be happy. I told myself during darker times that the reason preserve my life is for my daughter to have a chance to be happy. I lost the point (if I had it before). Was it my responsibility to make my daughter happy? If my daughter is unhappy for any reason then... can I be happy? I see the connection to many parents who struggle because they are trying to control or micro-manage their child's life, whether the child is young or adult.

I relied on the status of my daughter to determine whether I was happy. When I believed I was mis-understood by anyone, I was not happy. In all the crisis, I was leaving myself powerless.

Now I do not know whether my daughter is Ok. I have not even got a response from her mother when I asked about a Christmas present idea. None of that matters right now. The point is that now I can be happy. I am beginning to get myself back. To be happy because I choose what to do next in my life. For the first in a long time, I feel free. It isn't about what someone else chooses. It isn't about what happens to me. It is about choosing something and not hating myself afterwards for choosing it.

Now I have advice for others. I am not saying "you should" or other thoughts that I call cognitive error, but just advice I learned to appreciate by experience. All of us being relatively young compared to eternity, it is easy to believe it best to fight against advice. It really does matter whom we follow. I have never heard of someone who isn't following somebody or something. Many have told me, "I'm not a follower but doing my own thing", but then they all do the same thing and I even find examples in book old as the beginning. It seems easy for me to say, "I'm happy despite what you say because I choose for myself". Then I eat the cake of my choosing. Suppose it makes me sick, and the advice I rejected was to not eat that because it would make me sick? I will probably recover, but some proverbial cakes cause permanent damage. It matters whom we follow. If we follow someone who was deceiving then a warning would be nice. If we rely on a parent who means well but leaves us suffering then apparently we need something more reliable. What or who would save us from that suffering?

My advice is this:
Be honest to yourself. As much as your words may be screened to keep whatever you are not proud of from the public, do not hide it from yourself. Learn to make a fearless inventory of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Doctor Says

I had one Dr. Ted telling me the some days ago that the term is "Asperger's Disorder" and not "Asperger's Syndrome". I am always amazed at what doctors think they know. I am fairly acquainted with this guy, and he really does not know people. I don't see why he was insisting that he had the right terminology and I didn't, but since Asperger's stuff was not well understood at all at the time of first writing I can clearly see that if you want to know what it really is, you have to get that from a person who has it.

A doctor does not know what's best; They don't know what is true just because they are a doctor. They only know what they've experienced and they think they know what they were told which made sense to them. Just like the rest of us.