Only So Much

I haven't been able to convince people to hire me, and can only suppose the reasons.

I've watched the TV shows. Every single time that the important character needs to remember something or think of a solution, they simply do. Magically, they remember a complicated extremely long code or combination or instructions that I could have never remembered, and they never had to write anything down at all. They even went through some extreme experience in between and still remembered without any trouble at all. I would have no clue all the stuff the person just told me, not even when they were still finishing saying it.
Really? Is every normal human being that much more super incredible than me?

There is only so much I can do. I watch others and if they need a complex task done they don't have to think through and plan it and start failing individual attempts each day and try again the next day like I do. They 'simply' cause a sudden explosion (at least that was my perspective standing there with them) lots of painfully loud commotion, and suddenly all of the task is complete in a second or two. I know not always like that but several times exactly like that. I do not even have any means to comprehend what just happened, nor was it recorded anywhere to watch in slow-motion. Often it is when the person even thinks they are 'helping' me, either by doing it for me or showing me how.
Really? They really thought that now I can do the same because they just "showed me how"?? Only thing they demonstrated is how they would do it (which I missed), and their ignorance.

There is only so much I can do, and the older I grow the less it seems I can do compared to any other human being (except of course the ones with lower-functioning autism, perhaps the ones who do not speak). It seems I need to change my approach. Before I had tried to accept what people tell me about myself. "You just need confidence", as if having confidence would magically make me capable of doing all the impossible things they expect me to do [because they can]. "You just need to do one thing at a time", as if they thought I had somehow magically done two things at the same time, or they thought that was how other people accomplish everything required within the required time limits. No, every moment I have to choose not just the one thing I will do now, but choose the million other things that will not ever be done because it will be too late. "Nothing is impossible", as if they don't understand the situation and what we are talking about. I simply am what I am in this body, I cannot choose to not have autism at this time, I cannot rewrite my own neurology to have what they have, and they cannot comprehend what is different inside of me, just by my attempts to use words that they would understand. I cannot solve the problem by their advice, when they do not have any experience in the situation. They can only see what I did, not what I thought nor why I did it, which is not the same reason at all that they would have done the same thing.

Impossible. The word does not mean, I suppose, what people think it means. Those who say, "getting this done on time is impossible", don't know what the word means because of course it is possible. Just needs to be done by somebody or a machine that is capable, and get it done. Not impossible. Those who say, "nothing is impossible", especially do not know the meaning. If a person cannot fly right now then it is impossible for that person to fly right now. Perhaps it is limited by interpretation from language to reality but effectively impossible for one to do what one cannot. Be lifted up by something like a plane in the air, yes. Be modified with flight capability, yes. Perhaps impossible in our limited and temporal world isn't so meaningful, but there is an existence I'll call eternity where impossible is what it is.

Truth is eternal and in truth only so much is possible. That is what is called truth and the rest although it may seem true in time, will never last. We got people lecturing, claiming that 'truth' or 'reality' does not really exist and is only something in our own head so that it can be true for one person but not true for another person. Sounds like a fun concept for a while, but those people die and what they claimed goes away. Truth is that which is. Not only now but also was even before the beginning of time, and will remain beyond the end of time, for eternity. If you can look from this perspective it answers that funny question, "If God can do anything, then can he create a rock so big that he cannot lift it?", Yeah something to laugh about because of the limited concept of gravity but really--could God create something that could possibly defeat him so that he would no longer be God? Or otherwise choose to do something that would cause him to cease to be God?

So could God cease to be god? Answer is, God is a free agent (as are we) and could chose not to be God. But he being an eternal being where in contrast we are in a temporary state, is consistently present in every bit of time that exists. He is the beginning and the end, which could be perceived that by creating time for us he is not in himself limited by time. What makes him God is not only his past but all of his past, present, and future for eternity. If he were to choose something (for example in book of Alma 42:13  https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/42.13?lang=eng#12 ) which would mean ceasing to be God, then he never was God at all (but He is). Impossible would involve saying that one who is God, might one day cease to be God, for example.

I have often said that it is impossible, something that happened in my experience such as losing something that I had kept with me the whole time, or that it is impossible that I change myself now to not be autistic, but I admit I don't know what is really possible in the eternal perspective. It was not really impossible that I lost my $40 gloves with real silver that makes them work on touch screens. Certainly there is nothing I can do about it, but maybe I put them in a coat pocket with something else then when I pulled it out they fell on the ground outside and somebody said, "hey cheap gloves for my kid" and let them be destroyed and discarded. Reason I say something is impossible is because I cannot do anything about it in this situation.

So I cannot just do any of the amazing advice anyone has ever given me because they are only responding to what they perceive, not what would help me. What they gave me to do is impossible because they only gave abstract ideas lacking information. I was upset because autism, there is no abstract computing at all. Advice like "plan your time" or "ask questions" is completely meaningless and useless, although they were obvious things we should be doing as a result of our work. I am deciding each moment what I spend my time on, but here are 2 problems. (1) If I refuse to watch any TV or whatever and stay at a computer and not even eat until I finish an abstract task, I gain nothing. I get sick but I do not EVER finish the abstract job until I know what I need to do and then do all of the steps in the correct order. If I knew what that was, I would have already done it for crying out loud!  (2) Which is "wasting time" and which is not? I start working on something. My cognition says it will be important, many investments I see and start doing. Then the conclusion is apparently that I was wasting time. So what exactly should I be doing then? Nobody will say, except abstract things and then when I try to ask further questions that would need answered, they often refuse to even talk anymore but at least insisting that they already answered (the abstract statements).

"It is important to ask plenty of questions," they say. "You can never ask too many questions, and there is no such thing as a stupid question".  What nonsense!
Why then have they refused to listen anymore and especially will not answer my questions. They assume that I should already know. Those are two well-known cognitive errors in human nature. Assumption is nothing more than cognitive error in every case, yet people assume it is necessary and that something is wrong with a person who does not rely on it. "Should" is cognitive error except when you attach it to order. "In order to obtain eternal salvation from God, you should obey God". There, no longer in error. If one said "You are bad because you should be going to my church," Then they are using cognitive error and nobody has ever benefited because of cognitive error. Mind you, some get lucky despite cognitive error but not because of it. For example I might jump to conclusions thinking my daughter is in danger of being raped. Chasing away and threatening the boy would be in cognitive error, yet I might find out later that he raped the next girl who let him get close. Lucky to protect her. Was I right about assuming his nature? I don't think so (depending on what I had actually seen and heard about the situation).

I have valuable cognition skills when given time and space. I have a firm understanding about reality of what is true or not despite what many try to argue. I even have strong computer skills, being able to design powerful applications one bit at a time.
With all of my ability, why then does nobody hire me? It is all about lack of understanding, but who is misunderstanding who about what, what could be done about it, and who shall be responsible for what...

So many outcries these days demanding that others take responsibility. In the end, should we not all take responsibility for ourselves and stop blaming externally? I have the power to decide for myself what I work on, and there is much that I could accomplish as far as work. It has nothing however to do with money. I don't demand that someone should be responsible to pay me for it. I don't cry for equal rights just because employers think they prefer an idiot they will later fire who is a smooth-talker instead of me because I was 100% honest about everything. Then after they fire him they will hire another of the same idiot hoping this is the one, but ignore the fact I still need to live. Perhaps people will never learn because when they said "learn by repetition", they meant repeat doing it correctly, not repeat making the worst choice. Well I digress, as always, although my digression rant can usually be useful to somebody as well. If only they can understand.