It is about time I remember to be thankful.
I am thankful that my mother and father love me. I didn't know what to appreciate back then, starting my own family. I was convinced my parents criticized me too much. I saw them as trying to control how I raised my children or made life choices. I thought that was endless.
Later things reversed. My parents needed my help (more than wanting me to work for them so I could earn money) and my perspective reversed. I remember a deep conversation with my mother when for the first time she told me her perspective of things, adult to adult, and I finally understood. She loved me. It didn't matter, all those things she said I should do different. It didn't matter that she didn't understand what my life was really like. None of the arguments we had before mattered anymore. I remember talking to my dad, trying to convince him that certain things would not be good financial decisions like a reverse-mortgage on his house. We had many disagreements where his logic didn't make sense to me. He didn't respond well, sounding like I did as a teenager. I began to realize comprehension of his environment was diminishing. Soon he would have to go, but already it was not me relying on him but him relying on me. He needed me more every day because he couldn't drive safely and his health was failing in many ways. When I found my love for him, I found the past, how he loved me when I didn't see as well as he did. Back then he didn't have to stick with me. He didn't have to keep trying to reason with me. I started to realize that even if I was right saying my parent's view of the world was over-simplified, they still loved me without condition.
We loved each other, and we were there for each other. Finally.
I am thankful that I could finally and really spend time with my parents, before they moved on. Now they have another mission. And I have another mission. My mission is for my children.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
think about being happy
been thinking,
If I have the choice to be happy every day, not by making enemies, and nobody could stop me... would I take it?
Sometimes I've been off worrying about what was wrong or will be wrong around me, outside this face, as if I love to be unhappy. I forget that people used to laugh and tell me they never saw anyone smile so much. What am I choosing? Instead of wishing to change the past and future, what about now
If I have the choice to be happy every day, not by making enemies, and nobody could stop me... would I take it?
Sometimes I've been off worrying about what was wrong or will be wrong around me, outside this face, as if I love to be unhappy. I forget that people used to laugh and tell me they never saw anyone smile so much. What am I choosing? Instead of wishing to change the past and future, what about now
...That's one reason I finally created a facebook. Being hard on myself I wasn't really giving myself credit as able to do anything, or connect with people I knew. Isolating isn't fun nor useful, for the most part.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Happiness, the link to others
Communication is important for us all; We rely on it to work together, and be happy together. Sometimes I write way too much because I anticipate the recipient getting the wrong idea or needing more explanation. I try to answer all the questions which were never asked, and I begin to feel negative. In the end I've left people snowed--not even sure if I had any one point.
Rule:
More words is not more knowledge.
Rule:
More words is not more knowledge.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
I want to be happy
I've not blogged for so long. Perhaps I don't have the organizational skills. Perhaps autism got the worst of me. Perhaps it hurts too much. No matter, how bout I take one step at a time.
The thing is, I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? The question may not be as simple as it sounds. Yes perhaps everyone is searching, doing everything they usually do, all in the name of that little feeling or tickle in their brain that says, "this feels good". If everyone is truly seeking happiness then why do so many people not seem happy? That was including me recently. Why did I try so hard in recent weeks to have pleasant conversations with my daughter who lives on the other side of the country? Because I want happiness for me and my family. Now she is upset with me. She said a lot that she is tired of, but I don't see what I did specifically to upset her. I don't feel happy about that.
Seeing my daughter happy was the most important thing to me, I thought. What went wrong? I knew I made unhealthy decisions starting more than 20 years ago. I did not see the negative affects until 2007. Some things were no longer in my control, like losing my children. I had believed I was a "great father". People often said I was, or would be even before I married. I always loved to see children laugh and admired that they enjoy the simplest things. I used to do everything I could to get them to laugh, like acting silly. I apologize for getting off-subject. I've deleted about 5 sentences now trying to stick to my point. I could not be with my daughter through her teenage years. They have been probably the hardest years of her life! When I could finally talk with her, over 4 years later, I realized she needed different experiences than she was getting. I helped her move from her step mom and brothers to live with her biological mother over 2,000 miles away.
For a couple years I have been talking only by writing (mail/Internet), and sometimes by phone. I wanted so much to still be an important part of her life. I socializing is not easy for me. HFA (previously my diagnosis was Asperger's Disorder) means when I approach someone and try to start a conversation they will probably describe me as awkward or annoying. That is when I am trying to be nice. If I try to be aggressive they probably say I'm being funny. So when I talked to my daughter I thought I was appropriate. I ask how things are going to get ready for college. I send things I find amusing or thought would strike up an interesting conversation. I tell her I love her. Sometimes, I gradually wondered if her reactions were negative. She never told me she didn't appreciate something I said, but sometimes it was at least a week before she responded but that seemed to only be on certain subjects. I could send another topic and she would answer it in seconds but still not the other. Sometimes when she did, I was puzzled why she mentioned nothing about the subject that I wanted to know how she felt about. One thing I heard loud and clear was her position on mental illness. She said something like that mental illness is all our imagination and only used as an excuse. I felt uneasy about that because it implies that if I tried hard enough then I would be considered just one of the guys at work, school, or public places. Like I'm purposely making myself and others uncomfortable just because when I say what comes natural to me, it is extremely unnatural to them. It is all my fault. I don't remember how I responded except trying to explain that the truth is not that simple. Perhaps this was one of the things she is sick of? There were other conversations where we disagree--meaning or origin of a word, facts about religion, etc. Were these the only things that she is sick of or is there more I completely missed or forgot? Don't I need to know what I did to bother her so much that she won't talk? I'v asked politely to clarify but I receive no answer. I don't see how I can correct whatever is wrong without understanding.
Recently I talked to her mother (my first wife, whom I will just call mother). She was especially irate after I said I would stop sending money. It was to help pay for a car that would be given to my daughter after I helped make payments, but indirectly I learned that mother decided to keep it and find her a cheaper one. I wondered why all this trouble when my father never bought me a car. I used his until I could buy it from him. I think the biggest reason in my mind however was not that. I thought I love from my daughter because I was sending money. I tried to sever all connection including that because I perceived she wanted nothing to do with me. I felt devastated. Mother scolded me for not doing everything I could to fix the relationship with my daughter, and said I should fix it by talking to her. I said it sounds to me like she's not worried about that so much as the money. Then she was really mad. On the phone she yelled at me for being so negative and depressing. I asked what part of the conversations, because I honestly don't know why she thinks that. I had saved conversations so I gave examples of our discussions and asked which ones. Most were about preparing for college, where I try to encourage. She said my daughter didn't share what we talked about so she didn't know. So even though mother also believes I am terrible, harmful and hopeless, she doesn't have any reason(?) She then yelled at me again for the reason she left me in the first place, because I always analyze things, to end our conversation. Which does she want me to do--try to act like 'normal' people, or stop analyzing? That is the only way I have come as far as I have to relate with humans.
Do I want to be happy? Of course I do, but what do I need to do? I told myself that as long as my daughter is happy then I can be happy. I told myself during darker times that the reason preserve my life is for my daughter to have a chance to be happy. I lost the point (if I had it before). Was it my responsibility to make my daughter happy? If my daughter is unhappy for any reason then... can I be happy? I see the connection to many parents who struggle because they are trying to control or micro-manage their child's life, whether the child is young or adult.
I relied on the status of my daughter to determine whether I was happy. When I believed I was mis-understood by anyone, I was not happy. In all the crisis, I was leaving myself powerless.
Now I do not know whether my daughter is Ok. I have not even got a response from her mother when I asked about a Christmas present idea. None of that matters right now. The point is that now I can be happy. I am beginning to get myself back. To be happy because I choose what to do next in my life. For the first in a long time, I feel free. It isn't about what someone else chooses. It isn't about what happens to me. It is about choosing something and not hating myself afterwards for choosing it.
Now I have advice for others. I am not saying "you should" or other thoughts that I call cognitive error, but just advice I learned to appreciate by experience. All of us being relatively young compared to eternity, it is easy to believe it best to fight against advice. It really does matter whom we follow. I have never heard of someone who isn't following somebody or something. Many have told me, "I'm not a follower but doing my own thing", but then they all do the same thing and I even find examples in book old as the beginning. It seems easy for me to say, "I'm happy despite what you say because I choose for myself". Then I eat the cake of my choosing. Suppose it makes me sick, and the advice I rejected was to not eat that because it would make me sick? I will probably recover, but some proverbial cakes cause permanent damage. It matters whom we follow. If we follow someone who was deceiving then a warning would be nice. If we rely on a parent who means well but leaves us suffering then apparently we need something more reliable. What or who would save us from that suffering?
My advice is this:
Be honest to yourself. As much as your words may be screened to keep whatever you are not proud of from the public, do not hide it from yourself. Learn to make a fearless inventory of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
The thing is, I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? The question may not be as simple as it sounds. Yes perhaps everyone is searching, doing everything they usually do, all in the name of that little feeling or tickle in their brain that says, "this feels good". If everyone is truly seeking happiness then why do so many people not seem happy? That was including me recently. Why did I try so hard in recent weeks to have pleasant conversations with my daughter who lives on the other side of the country? Because I want happiness for me and my family. Now she is upset with me. She said a lot that she is tired of, but I don't see what I did specifically to upset her. I don't feel happy about that.
Seeing my daughter happy was the most important thing to me, I thought. What went wrong? I knew I made unhealthy decisions starting more than 20 years ago. I did not see the negative affects until 2007. Some things were no longer in my control, like losing my children. I had believed I was a "great father". People often said I was, or would be even before I married. I always loved to see children laugh and admired that they enjoy the simplest things. I used to do everything I could to get them to laugh, like acting silly. I apologize for getting off-subject. I've deleted about 5 sentences now trying to stick to my point. I could not be with my daughter through her teenage years. They have been probably the hardest years of her life! When I could finally talk with her, over 4 years later, I realized she needed different experiences than she was getting. I helped her move from her step mom and brothers to live with her biological mother over 2,000 miles away.
For a couple years I have been talking only by writing (mail/Internet), and sometimes by phone. I wanted so much to still be an important part of her life. I socializing is not easy for me. HFA (previously my diagnosis was Asperger's Disorder) means when I approach someone and try to start a conversation they will probably describe me as awkward or annoying. That is when I am trying to be nice. If I try to be aggressive they probably say I'm being funny. So when I talked to my daughter I thought I was appropriate. I ask how things are going to get ready for college. I send things I find amusing or thought would strike up an interesting conversation. I tell her I love her. Sometimes, I gradually wondered if her reactions were negative. She never told me she didn't appreciate something I said, but sometimes it was at least a week before she responded but that seemed to only be on certain subjects. I could send another topic and she would answer it in seconds but still not the other. Sometimes when she did, I was puzzled why she mentioned nothing about the subject that I wanted to know how she felt about. One thing I heard loud and clear was her position on mental illness. She said something like that mental illness is all our imagination and only used as an excuse. I felt uneasy about that because it implies that if I tried hard enough then I would be considered just one of the guys at work, school, or public places. Like I'm purposely making myself and others uncomfortable just because when I say what comes natural to me, it is extremely unnatural to them. It is all my fault. I don't remember how I responded except trying to explain that the truth is not that simple. Perhaps this was one of the things she is sick of? There were other conversations where we disagree--meaning or origin of a word, facts about religion, etc. Were these the only things that she is sick of or is there more I completely missed or forgot? Don't I need to know what I did to bother her so much that she won't talk? I'v asked politely to clarify but I receive no answer. I don't see how I can correct whatever is wrong without understanding.
Recently I talked to her mother (my first wife, whom I will just call mother). She was especially irate after I said I would stop sending money. It was to help pay for a car that would be given to my daughter after I helped make payments, but indirectly I learned that mother decided to keep it and find her a cheaper one. I wondered why all this trouble when my father never bought me a car. I used his until I could buy it from him. I think the biggest reason in my mind however was not that. I thought I love from my daughter because I was sending money. I tried to sever all connection including that because I perceived she wanted nothing to do with me. I felt devastated. Mother scolded me for not doing everything I could to fix the relationship with my daughter, and said I should fix it by talking to her. I said it sounds to me like she's not worried about that so much as the money. Then she was really mad. On the phone she yelled at me for being so negative and depressing. I asked what part of the conversations, because I honestly don't know why she thinks that. I had saved conversations so I gave examples of our discussions and asked which ones. Most were about preparing for college, where I try to encourage. She said my daughter didn't share what we talked about so she didn't know. So even though mother also believes I am terrible, harmful and hopeless, she doesn't have any reason(?) She then yelled at me again for the reason she left me in the first place, because I always analyze things, to end our conversation. Which does she want me to do--try to act like 'normal' people, or stop analyzing? That is the only way I have come as far as I have to relate with humans.
Do I want to be happy? Of course I do, but what do I need to do? I told myself that as long as my daughter is happy then I can be happy. I told myself during darker times that the reason preserve my life is for my daughter to have a chance to be happy. I lost the point (if I had it before). Was it my responsibility to make my daughter happy? If my daughter is unhappy for any reason then... can I be happy? I see the connection to many parents who struggle because they are trying to control or micro-manage their child's life, whether the child is young or adult.
I relied on the status of my daughter to determine whether I was happy. When I believed I was mis-understood by anyone, I was not happy. In all the crisis, I was leaving myself powerless.
Now I do not know whether my daughter is Ok. I have not even got a response from her mother when I asked about a Christmas present idea. None of that matters right now. The point is that now I can be happy. I am beginning to get myself back. To be happy because I choose what to do next in my life. For the first in a long time, I feel free. It isn't about what someone else chooses. It isn't about what happens to me. It is about choosing something and not hating myself afterwards for choosing it.
Now I have advice for others. I am not saying "you should" or other thoughts that I call cognitive error, but just advice I learned to appreciate by experience. All of us being relatively young compared to eternity, it is easy to believe it best to fight against advice. It really does matter whom we follow. I have never heard of someone who isn't following somebody or something. Many have told me, "I'm not a follower but doing my own thing", but then they all do the same thing and I even find examples in book old as the beginning. It seems easy for me to say, "I'm happy despite what you say because I choose for myself". Then I eat the cake of my choosing. Suppose it makes me sick, and the advice I rejected was to not eat that because it would make me sick? I will probably recover, but some proverbial cakes cause permanent damage. It matters whom we follow. If we follow someone who was deceiving then a warning would be nice. If we rely on a parent who means well but leaves us suffering then apparently we need something more reliable. What or who would save us from that suffering?
My advice is this:
Be honest to yourself. As much as your words may be screened to keep whatever you are not proud of from the public, do not hide it from yourself. Learn to make a fearless inventory of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Doctor Says
I had one Dr. Ted telling me the some days ago that the term is "Asperger's Disorder" and not "Asperger's Syndrome". I am always amazed at what doctors think they know. I am fairly acquainted with this guy, and he really does not know people. I don't see why he was insisting that he had the right terminology and I didn't, but since Asperger's stuff was not well understood at all at the time of first writing I can clearly see that if you want to know what it really is, you have to get that from a person who has it.
A doctor does not know what's best; They don't know what is true just because they are a doctor. They only know what they've experienced and they think they know what they were told which made sense to them. Just like the rest of us.
A doctor does not know what's best; They don't know what is true just because they are a doctor. They only know what they've experienced and they think they know what they were told which made sense to them. Just like the rest of us.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Finding it again
I could not find my blog again until now! Well I didn't look hard enough or something. I had just clicked something from my gmail account to start this but when I came back a couple days later there was no link like that. I knew it must have been a popular blog site but when I tried to find it I was always on a different computer and/or different browser so I could not use the history to find it. Today I just happened to type "blo" in my chrome at the office and there I realized it was saying a url that was not just "blogger.com" but with a bunch of other stuff in the path so I realized that must mean I've been there before. And that is how I rediscovered my blog. Hmmm
I don't ever have an easy time finding details from before on anything in my life. I feel so frustrated because I either think I should have wrote down a detail in my notes on something I needed to finish later or do again, or I end up looking at 30,000 lines of notes without any idea what to search for to get the information I need. I hear this happens a lot with adults having Asperger's (AS): Too many notes and lists and lists to keep track of the lists... Too many thoughts? I won't say that it is too many. The problem is that I cannot function with what people think is simple stuff unless I have a special way to remember the details. I have to think more, I have to have the lists, else I am stumped.
I don't ever have an easy time finding details from before on anything in my life. I feel so frustrated because I either think I should have wrote down a detail in my notes on something I needed to finish later or do again, or I end up looking at 30,000 lines of notes without any idea what to search for to get the information I need. I hear this happens a lot with adults having Asperger's (AS): Too many notes and lists and lists to keep track of the lists... Too many thoughts? I won't say that it is too many. The problem is that I cannot function with what people think is simple stuff unless I have a special way to remember the details. I have to think more, I have to have the lists, else I am stumped.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Knowing the blog thing
People still ask me, "now, what is a blog?"
Naturally they expect I would know--I've been the unique person who knew every smallest detail about computers, then built on the details to the point that I can tell people technical details about how their computer tools work and how to get the most out of them even if I've never heard of it until they tried to explain to me what they know, or I just take one look at it and tell them things that are not written anywhere. Almost all of the time people have been able to verify that I was correct. When they ask me how I knew, I really don't know what to tell them. Isn't it obvious? How could then be unable to see the same things when they even went to the same schools?
Just to make something clear first: I am not here to explain blogging nor tell how to use it. I really have never used blogging before. I really have never saw how other people blog and couldn't tell you what it's commonly used for. Sure 'blog' is short for "web log", but it's not like that info will help anyone. I'd just say that my blog here is just a way for me to express myself and sort out my thoughts at the same time.
Studying cognitive behavior and neurological disorders leads me to realize how I do things different than them. I really don't think these can really be proven as a disorder but rather a difference from something else that is, of course, different from the one. Certainly some people are unable to perform certain cognitive work as efficiently as another person, but then there are trade-offs. They can therefore use a different skill more efficiently than the other person which seems to have been amplified because of the same difference.
I am starting to put together in my mind the idea of Dimensional Thinking. That is just a way for me to visualize the relationships of a subject or task that one is thinking through. Basically I have an idea of three dimensions of thinking that make up what I refer to as the whole picture. The dimensions I call length, width, and depth. Length would refer to something like a sequence of steps needed in order to complete a task. Width would consist of various aspects or parallel things to think of at the same time in the task, for example if I am counting money do I add 1, 5, or 10 while I pick up a paper bill and move it from the un-counted pile to the pile that is counted. Depth would be the amount of detail which from my point of view seems harder for most people to use. An example might be when counting money, checking for real money or different type of currency or whether the piles are in a position that will make moving it easy and not get the two mixed up. The biggest way that I distinguish between Depth details and Width details is that Depth most often has to do with the "Why?". The details in Width seem more of just different parts of a whole not otherwise related except they are included.
In general, I have noticed that my weakest dimension is Length and my strongest is Depth. The typical person I try to work with is strongest in Length and Width. When they even get the impression I might be going in the direction of Depth, they tend to be irritated and resist. This goes along with a long-time issue where my peers seemed to think that being the smartest person was bad, and they did everything they could to not look smart. People tend to brag about how dumb they are.
Yes, I have Asperger's syndrome which I only began to learn about in 2009 (a couple years ago). Frankly although people who think in depth and not well in the others tend to be diagnosed with this ASD stuff, it will not do much good to focus on labels without understanding the actual cognitive functions which can be done without labels.
Naturally they expect I would know--I've been the unique person who knew every smallest detail about computers, then built on the details to the point that I can tell people technical details about how their computer tools work and how to get the most out of them even if I've never heard of it until they tried to explain to me what they know, or I just take one look at it and tell them things that are not written anywhere. Almost all of the time people have been able to verify that I was correct. When they ask me how I knew, I really don't know what to tell them. Isn't it obvious? How could then be unable to see the same things when they even went to the same schools?
Just to make something clear first: I am not here to explain blogging nor tell how to use it. I really have never used blogging before. I really have never saw how other people blog and couldn't tell you what it's commonly used for. Sure 'blog' is short for "web log", but it's not like that info will help anyone. I'd just say that my blog here is just a way for me to express myself and sort out my thoughts at the same time.
Studying cognitive behavior and neurological disorders leads me to realize how I do things different than them. I really don't think these can really be proven as a disorder but rather a difference from something else that is, of course, different from the one. Certainly some people are unable to perform certain cognitive work as efficiently as another person, but then there are trade-offs. They can therefore use a different skill more efficiently than the other person which seems to have been amplified because of the same difference.
I am starting to put together in my mind the idea of Dimensional Thinking. That is just a way for me to visualize the relationships of a subject or task that one is thinking through. Basically I have an idea of three dimensions of thinking that make up what I refer to as the whole picture. The dimensions I call length, width, and depth. Length would refer to something like a sequence of steps needed in order to complete a task. Width would consist of various aspects or parallel things to think of at the same time in the task, for example if I am counting money do I add 1, 5, or 10 while I pick up a paper bill and move it from the un-counted pile to the pile that is counted. Depth would be the amount of detail which from my point of view seems harder for most people to use. An example might be when counting money, checking for real money or different type of currency or whether the piles are in a position that will make moving it easy and not get the two mixed up. The biggest way that I distinguish between Depth details and Width details is that Depth most often has to do with the "Why?". The details in Width seem more of just different parts of a whole not otherwise related except they are included.
In general, I have noticed that my weakest dimension is Length and my strongest is Depth. The typical person I try to work with is strongest in Length and Width. When they even get the impression I might be going in the direction of Depth, they tend to be irritated and resist. This goes along with a long-time issue where my peers seemed to think that being the smartest person was bad, and they did everything they could to not look smart. People tend to brag about how dumb they are.
Yes, I have Asperger's syndrome which I only began to learn about in 2009 (a couple years ago). Frankly although people who think in depth and not well in the others tend to be diagnosed with this ASD stuff, it will not do much good to focus on labels without understanding the actual cognitive functions which can be done without labels.
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